Tag: zerotohero

Versions.

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I have always heard pay close attention to the people who don’t clap for you when you win. It’s a harsh reality that sucks to realize who’s not clapping. It’s an even worse realization when it’s the people who you want more than anything to clap for you.

As an adult, anxiety is a real life thing. Like who the hell does not have functional anxiety?!! Life pressures, responsibilities, children, work, trying to balance it all….IS HARD! Here comes the holidays and BOOM!!! HELLO FANCY ANXIETY! Dressed up so beautifully and presentable to help you get through the holidays. Let’s face it….Some families are (picture) perfect! Beautifully pictured, put together so nicely, and should be sitting with Joanna Gaines. Some families relate more with The Addams Family! Other families dread this time of the year because it’s like a full moon+mental institution released all the crazies into the night=A COMPLETE SHIT SHOW!

I’ve had the recent experience of learning why it is OKAY to say NO, after many years of experiencing complete exhaustion after the holidays. Family has the ability to drain you, unrealistic expectations arise, and if there was any problems throughout the year with each other…NOW IS THE TIME THEY ARE GOING TO COME UP!

I realized a few years ago after Holidays, I was utterly drained leaving events. I enjoyed spending time with family but like any other family, I DO NOT care to be disccected and explain who I am to one soul. I mention many times how 30 was a pivotal moment in my life for many reasons. What I have failed to mention is exactly why this age was such a huge moment in life for me. I lost my oldest, kindest sister at 30. She was just 10-years older than I and was MY SWEETHEART! With the great loss, came greater feelings. Feelings that I was no longer the “little” girl to my living siblings, feelings that I would no longer allow anyone to push me around, no longer allow people to tell me what I should or should not feel. No longer allow people to make me feel any less of a person because of my personal preferences and choices in life. The loss of my sister allowed me to gain confidence to say NO!

Fast-forward to present day. Okay, we’ve made it to the end of November. No major altercations with family all year, small chit-chat here and there, and I’m ready to host Thanksgiving for my small tribe at home. Sounds simple, right? It should have been. After many days of a family member asking me to cancel my plans for their personal preference, I said “No, that isn’t what I want to do.” Here comes the question no one really wants to hear the answer to…”Why don’t you want to come?” HELLO HONESTY! I do not choose to sit at a table where I have felt judgment for so many years.

As adults, if you ask questions you may or may not want to know the answer to….You have the choice to agree to disagree and move on. You have the right to not focus your time or energy in places that make you feel uneasy inside. That Fancy Anxiety! Sometimes, for some or most people, holidays are hard. They are days you wish you could sleep through, fast-forward, put on a “fake it until you make it” smile, and just get it over with already days. If someone does not want to sit at your table…RESPECT THEIR WISHES! After this conversation I had with this particular family member, I reflected on it and thought of the multitude of things that went wrong or should have been avoided. Things were said that were said in judgement of who I was over 8 years ago! EEEKKKK!!! Seriously, that was like 5 versions of me ago! So not only does this person not recognize who I am as a person today, this person sees me for past failures instead of what it took to rise above that situation. JUDGEMENT! You see, you have to be careful what you say when your heart is hard, because your tongue will lead with haste. You can’t recover a stone once it has been thrown. You will regret saying nasty words to someone a lot longer than you will remember that empty chair at your dinner table.

AS ADULTS YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO FEEL EVERY. SINGLE. FN. EMOTION YOU FEEL. YOU ARE ENTITLED TO YOUR FEELINGS. YOU ARE ENTITLED TO PROTECT YOUR ENERGY AND PRESERVE YOUR INNER PEACE. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY NO! YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE AROUND PEOPLE WHO PASS JUDGEMENT JUST BECAUSE YOU SHARE COMMON DNA! YOU ARE ENTITLED TO BE PROUD OF WHO YOU ARE AS AN ADULT AND WHO YOU HAVE OUTGROWN. NOT EVERYONE DESERVES THE NEW VERSION OF YOU.

Before a butterfly becomes, it is a caterpillar. Slow, not the prettiest, prickly, rough around the edges. It goes into its cocoon and emerges with beauty, with grace, limitless, ready to take flight. The branch that allowed this butterfly to cocoon isn’t the enemy, rather a staple to the growth of the beauty emerged. Growth and family are the same. Just because a family member needed you more when they were vulnerable, does not mean you can treat them the same way when they have grown their wings. It’s a new version of them. Shift your perspective to embrace the new. For each of you. If you continually remind a person who they were years before, you are hindering relationships. RESPECT OTHER PEOPLE TO AGREE TO DISAGREE!

Who are we to judge people for who they were? Who are we to judge people for who they are not? Life is simple. BE KIND! If you don’t agree with someone, AGREE TO DISAGREE. If someone tells you they want to stay home for the holidays, RESPECT THEIR WISHES! If you do not care for how someone is raising their child, WORRY ABOUT RAISING YOUR OWN! If you are worried about how the “Jones” are financing anything, WORRY ABOUT YO’SELF! Moral of this post. No one lives in a glass house, and if you do a bird could shit and burst your windows!

DO NOT GO AROUND TRYING TO STEAL PEOPLE’S JOY! If you do, there are probably many ugly elements within yourself that are stealing your own joy.

Feel the pain, embrace the pain, release the pain. Stop being an ugly bitch! No one likes ugly bitches!

Sincerely,

Someone who loves you, but loves and respects me more.

“You Can’t Sit Here.”

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I have friend’s who are married. Friends who are separated and friends who want a divorce. Friends who just had their first child after many years of not being able to conceive. Friends who are single (ME, that would be ME) and are waiting on their Unicorn. I have overly optimistic friends, “fake it until you make it” friends,”eeyore” friends, friends who always need a pick-me-up and friends who I can always count on to pick me up. These friends who I speak of all have one thing in common. They are my group of Women!

Want to know the one thing me and these women all have in common? WE ARE JUST TRYING TO SURVIVE & THRIVE! I never have fit in with those Mom’s who think they shit rainbows and fairy dust. Want to know the women I vibe with? Women who are real, who aren’t afraid to admit their kids are assholes, women who are vulnerable when needed. Women with backbones of steel who rise to slay. Women whose only judgment passed onto one another is whether our eyeliner from the night before is presentable for morning soccer matches. THESE ARE MY WOMEN. Empowering, nonjudgemental, real, raw, and effortlessly genuine.

I became a Mom at the age of 20 and struggled with finding “friends” who accepted me as I was. With a newborn, my parents who were married for 30+ years going through a divorce, my family divided, I couldn’t find a stable bone in my body, and I loved to party! Having a newborn and partying don’t mix right? Well, it was my coping mechanism. During this time I learned these “friends” I strived so hard to “fit in” with would not matter one bit to my 30 year old self. I wanted acceptance. I wanted to fit it. I wanted to be like the other girls. It wasn’t until many years later I recognized, I was not born to fit in! The 20’s are hard years. You are so unsure of yourself. You haven’t quite figured out where exactly you are supposed to fit in, who you are or who you were meant to be. It wasn’t until I was approaching 30 that I truly started to feel comfortable in my skin, my decisions in life, and the road I had begun to pave. It was nothing but a dirt road for almost a decade. The only pebbles on that road were from mud puddles that harden to replicate a rock, only to dissipate into dust.

Fastforward to 30 and WOAH! HELLO SISTER! I AM WOMEN, HEAR ME ROAR! I see so much beauty in women. We are a juggler of trades, we are CEO’s of our own committee, we are so many roles wrapped into one person. Yet, we doubt ourselves, we down our bodies, we don’t feel as if we are enough. Let me tell you! As women, YOU are more than enough. Our bodies MAKE HUMANS! Remember the saying “Lions, and Tigers, and Bears, Oh my!” That is us. That is a Woman. We are a lion, a tiger, and a bear. We are soft yet hard, sensitive yet aggressive, protectors, nurturers, shields and staples.

With this being said, do not walk into a room and wonder if the other moms will “like you.” Walk into that room and wonder if you will like them! As women, it is our job to empower each other, raise each other up, be raw with our struggles, promote one another, and push one another to be the best mom/person we can. When you’re out in public and see a Mom struggling with her small child or a teenager lagging behind her, give her a small smile and a three finger salute. As women, we should stick together, knowing we are all just trying to survive and thrive.

It’s taken me a long time to realize, I do not want to blend in a crowd. I do not care to sit with the Judgie Judys on the sidelines. I am not your Pampered Chef Paula, your DIY Brenda, or your Etsy Susanne. I have lots of tattoos, I cuss, and I give my children unlimited screen time while I work. I am a women who is exhausted, who’s kids are assholes (some days), and a mom who thanks the Lord above for whomever created dry shampoo. Trying to embrace life, one day at a time.

I do not want to sit with the mean girls! But you can always sit with me.

Pain: Self-Inflicted or Inflicted?

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Imagine this, you’re walking through your home barefoot, that chair you think isn’t so far away is closer than it seems. You stump your toe. OUCH! Immediately you get ANGRY, say a few colorful words and sit there until the pain is gone. Right? We’ve all experienced this pain multiple times. If you’re anything like me, its more frequent than the latter. Equilibrium is not my friend most days. Now use this same analogy and let’s take it a little deeper.

We must embrace pain and burn it as our fuel for our journey.

-Kenji Miyazawa

I used to think for the largest part of my adulthood my childhood sucked. Apparently I’ve lived in a bubble thus far because after talking with other people, my childhood wasn’t too terrible. I used to think about relationships I have experienced or didn’t get the chance of experiencing and get ANGRY. When these people would come into my life, anger would suffice. It didn’t dawn on me until I got older, the childhood experiences we encounter are NOT YOUR DEFINING MOMENTS! Those 16-18 years you room with your parents and siblings does not have to determine how your adult relationships will flow. Those years do not determine if you will or will not succeed. Those years do not determine the type of spouse you will choose for yourself or your children. If those years were not a positive experience, this does not give you the right to hurt other people because “that’s how you were raised.” You have a few choices. 1. You either let those moments DEFINE you and decide to change and do better, knowing better. 2. You let those moments CRIPPLE you and become a product of your environment. 3. You were given such an amazing childhood experience and have no healing to go through. If this is the case, I applaud your parents for hiding things so well!!!

I mentioned as an adult I would still get angry when people who hurt me came around. I walked around with a chip on my shoulder around them because “how dare they hurt me and get away with it?” The thing is, when people are angry, they are hurting. This anger is projected on sometimes everyone around them with a mentality of “I’m hurt, I want you to feel what I feel.” AHH! (RUN) So this is where a fine line of art and science come in. If someone hurts you, FORGIVE THEM! Even if you aren’t forgiving them for them, forgive them for yourself. I remember one whole year of my life I was SO hurt from many different relationships. It was a weight. A heavy one. I didn’t know how to process these feelings, so everyday I told myself to release the hurt. To forgive. Not for them, but for me. This is the pivotal moment you have to ask, is this pain self-inflicted or inflicted? That person isn’t feeling your pain and you aren’t feeling theirs. I’ve always heard “love knows no boundaries.” Love does know boundaries. Love is the foundation of boundaries.

I try to teach my children about emotions. Wylin’ Wyatt has SO many emotions that change on a dime. His most common expressions are crying, whining, or telling me he isn’t playing with me anymore. This last exactly 1.4 minutes. My oldest son, Tristan bottles emotions up. He’s a tough shell, hard to read, doesn’t talk about what hurts him. I tell my children when they are hurt….FEEL THE PAIN. Allow yourself to feel it. Let it run through your veins like a waterfall. Do not let that pain overcome you. Embrace it, and let it go.

I’m no philosopher. I’m FAR FROM PERFECT. We’ve established I SUCK at choosing the right partner, however, I’m a human who loves love. A healthy love. Love that awakens your soul and makes you shine from within. Love that makes you become the best version of yourself. Some relationships are far from being reprimandable. Practice the art of forgiveness, not for them, but for you! If all else fails, drink your way through the holidays and fake it until you make it!

Sincerely,

An overly optimistic girl who forgives more than she should, from knowing deep pain that didn’t harden me.

    Single Momming So Hard

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    We often hear about this thing called “work-life” balance. If you’re anything like me, Google is one of your best friends. According to Google, this Unicorn term is described as “Areas of life other then work-life can include personal interests, family and social or leisure activities.” So basically, you are supposed to balance living, maintaining social relationships, work, cleaning a home, feeding small children, exercise, mediate, and do fun things! Whew! WHO THE F ACTUALLY HAS TIME FOR ALL OF THIS?! If you’re anything like me, you struggle. I mean not just I burnt the toast struggle, but STRAIGHT STRUGGLE. Some days, I have to set an alarm to pick my kids up from school. Most days I roll out of bed 10 minutes before it’s time to leave the house. In fact, I’m currently sandwiched between two small beings writing this. So let me take the time to introduce myself!

    My name is Anna. I have been a single mom since the ripe age of 20! Twelve years later, I have two boys and what do you know…STILL A SINGLE MOM! Apparently I didn’t get it right the first time so I decided the second time is a charm. WRONG! As if I didn’t get a full dose with the first, the second comes out like a banshee ready for war since day one. If you have multiple children I’m sure you have heard of the “second child syndrome.” I am here to inform you, this is NOT a myth. My first child was my saving grace, still is. He is a helper, emphatic, in tune with my emotions, quiet when needed, and truly my buddy. Could not do life without him. Fast-forward 8 years and the shit show starts. The second one was born a freaking viking, chiming in conversations before he could even talk, gets disgruntled when he lacks attention and is NEVER quiet. His name is such an oxymoron with quiet….Wyatt. So after both children I learned a few things. 1. I am in fact 100% done having children. 2. My taste in men SUCK. Like I will be a cat lady before I settle for another narcissistic man. 3. I am tired ALL the time. 4. Without those men and those children, I wouldn’t know strength.

    So this work-life balance Unicorn word. Where is it? How do you get there? Where is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? When my youngest child, (you’ll often hear me refer to him as Wylin’ Wyatt) was six weeks old, I decided to go back to school. It was my 500th time trying, but I was determined to succeed. My life went from shenanigans to a complete shit show. I had a major meltdown in my friends yard one night after I felt “worthless” with two small children and no stability. I sobbed to her how I had wasted 28 years of my life. I was at rock bottom. Like an ostrich, I stuck my head in the sand and started working. Four and a half years later, one Associate degree under my belt, three weeks from obtaining a Bachelors, I understand it isn’t the hand you were dealt. It’s how you play those cards. People often ask me “how do you do it?” The truth is. I.DON’T.KNOW. What I do know is, you don’t ask how you’ll do it. You just do it! I forget my children at school, I feed them dry cereal for dinner, I don’t have much of a social life (its okay because I don’t like people), I cuss, I lock myself OUT of my house to get a breather. I have given each of my children fancy iPads to babysit them so I could study or write. I have been judged for not doing more with them. I feed my children McDonalds chicken nuggets that I’m sure are 120% artificial chicken (with LOTS OF GMOS).

    Let’s face it. LIFE’S HARD. My decisions in MEN SUCK. SINGLE MOMMING IS INTENSE. But, at the end of the day….We’re happy, we’re a unit, we’re Ohana. So if you’re a single mom and you feel like you’re failing…pat yourself on the back girlfriend! We are all doing great at feeling like we suck.

    To the single mom, to the mom expecting, the want-to-be moms who can’t conceive, the divorced mom, the mom on food stamps, the widowed mom, the separated mom, the married mom, the mom with too many children, the mom with good children and the mom with bad children. Give yourself a break. Cut yourself some slack. Don’t worry about HOW you will do it. Because TRUST ME, YOU WILL DO IT! Work-life balance is a Unicorn, but YOU sister are wearing the horn!