If you are reading this, Congratulations! You have successfully escaped 2020 alive & well. So many lives were lost in 2020, so much division, so much of our American Constitution, which our Country was founded on, has been trampled on, ripped apart & despaired. Religion and politics have paved the way for further division. Unemployment rates are on the constant rise, mental health issues contributed to 8 in 10 people reporting issues with anxiety and/or depression. We haven’t even touched the topic of mental health in our youth! Because let’s face it, they are the REAL MVP’s throughout this pandemic. According to “Mental Health America,” adolescent depression accounts at an astounding 12.4% . (Our grandparents school war stories have nothing on what our children have wrestled with this past year!!) Let’s face it, since we were introduced to five UGLY letters (COVID) that would forever change our lives, it has been a complete SHIT.SHOW!! If you have followed my blog or read with me before, you know my life isn’t fairytales and sunflowers, (nor do I try to make it seem that way). Rather, rose bed thorns and sand spur fields. Which brings me to the primary purpose of bringing you here…

Does anyone own a flare gun?! I’ve lost my spark and could use a reignite.

As a female, we are emotional creatures (SURPRISE, SURPRISE). I am a person of reflection. I love deeply & I feel deeply. If something doesn’t sit well within my soul, I try to analyze my feelings to understand what exactly I am feeling, why, and how to overcome the emotion for spiritual & personal growth. I learned when my sister died that I was allowed to feel my emotions. They are YOURS! You are allowed to navigate grief, accomplishments, relationships, boundaries, and goals all on your own….because they are yours. As adults who are ever-evolving, we seek growth. Sometimes not knowing the process of growth. Growth is hard. (Ever met people who are doing the same thing since High School?! If growth was easy, you wouldn’t be referencing those people in your head right now!) 2020 taught me many, many things. I have never in my life lost so many relationships. I set out beginning 2020 like so many other people. Setting goals, writing them down, while beginning to implement courses of actions to lead me to self-fulfilling gratification. 2020 also reintroduced me to grief. Grief is like a giant dark thief of the night. No one wants to talk about it until you have experienced it yourself. Grief is part of growth. Grief of these lost relationships, past cycles, past routines, past memories, and sometimes….Grief of losing parts of yourself.

When you lose parts of yourself, it isn’t always immediately apparent. Have you ever met a busy-body? Someone who is a “tinker,” someone who constantly has to be doing things, constantly working, constantly avoiding their primary responsibilities? The inability to sit a while with yourself is a defense mechanism to avoiding just that, sitting with yourself. Avoiding self-reflection, avoiding sitting with your silence, when it isn’t silent.

As a single, working Mom….I will NEVER forget the day in March 2020 I got the call that school systems would be closing face-to-face interaction. I was driving home and had to pull over to calm my breathing, AKA…that phone call made me hyperventilate because part of my village was being taken from my family. Little did we know at the time, that one full year later, we would still be tackling this beast! Insert real, raw, transparent daily life along the way…..HOLY COW!!! Who would’ve thought being with YOUR own children 24/7 with very little village support would weigh so heavy on one person?! Ready for another boomerang….Starting a new career in the midst of it all, struggling to find your new tribe, losing countless relationships to betrayal (and hurt that is all so familiar), moving from a place you loved to accommodate funding a career, only to find yourself staring in the mirror at a person you no longer recognize.

What happened to that determined, strong, relentless Women who has always had SO much drive & ambition? Where did that strength go? Why did the motivation to fight the good ole fight not seem as prevailing? What happened to that confidence that radiated from the core of her soul when she walked into a room?

The Universe has a funny way of breaking you down. Stripping away all the comfortable parts of yourself that you THOUGHT were vital, to rebuild you into someone that you will not recognize overnight. We shall call it, The Art of Unbecoming. You see…a Chinese bamboo tree takes FIVE YEARS to grow. It has to be watered and fertilized in the ground where it has been planted every day. After five years, once it breaks through the ground, it will grow 90 feet tall in five weeks! Breaking away from ugly parts of yourself to grow is part of the process. Strip away the comfort, plant yourself, water and fertilize yourself. Throwing self-doubt out the window and learning that faith the size of a mustard seed will grow into worth you’ve never possessed. That feeling of betray or heartache from lost relationships, was part of shedding skin that you wouldn’t benefit from wearing in the next season. That feeling of loneliness and being tired of doing things all on your own, is preparing you to value a team and partner of value. That grief you are experiencing that comes in waves will evolve through the steps leading you to a new person. Those tears you’ve cried from loss or hurt are watering and nurturing what is really meant for you. That dream you’ve always had, that ambition and drive that you’ve known for so long, the lion/lioness within yourself….IT’S ALL STILL THERE!!! Feel those emotions, let them flip your soul upside down, shake you to your core, & RISE! Five years…Five years for bamboo to grow, but once its broken ground…90 feet in just five short weeks!!

For the person reading this that is struggling in any aspect of your life. You are worthy! You are loved! You are a Strong, Confident person. You may have lost your “spark” in this moment, but it isn’t forgotten. It’s there, it has rooted itself and will rise to overcome like a Chinese bamboo. Feel that pain. It is yours. Feel that heartache. It is yours. Go through that grief. It is yours. Feel that loneliness. It is yours. What you can’t do…Is stay there!!! If you ever lose your spark, it is temporary. You will find your new self. Hope, such a small word with an enormous, powerful meaning. I hope this reaches you just when it needs to. And if you can’t find a flare gun, you can borrow mine!

XoXo,

The Hot Mess Express Single-Mom. Surviving one day at a time! Three fingers.

If you are reading this, Congratulations! You have successfully escaped 2020 alive & well. So many lives were lost in 2020, so much division, so much of our American Constitution, which our Country was founded on, has been trampled on, ripped apart & despaired. Religion and politics have paved the way for further division. Unemployment rates are on the constant rise, mental health issues contributed to 8 in 10 people reporting issues with anxiety and/or depression. We haven’t even touched the topic of mental health in our youth! Because let’s face it, they are the REAL MVP’s throughout this pandemic. According to “Mental Health America,” adolescent depression accounts at an astounding 12.4% . (Our grandparents school war stories have nothing on what our children have wrestled with this past year!!) Let’s face it, since we were introduced to five UGLY letters (COVID) that would forever change our lives, it has been a complete SHIT.SHOW!! If you have followed my blog or read with me before, you know my life isn’t fairytales and sunflowers, (nor do I try to make it seem that way). Rather, rose bed thorns and sand spur fields. Which brings me to the primary purpose of bringing you here…

Does anyone own a flare gun?! I’ve lost my spark and could use a reignite.

As a female, we are emotional creatures (SURPRISE, SURPRISE). I am a person of reflection. I love deeply & I feel deeply. If something doesn’t sit well within my soul, I try to analyze my feelings to understand what exactly I am feeling, why, and how to overcome the emotion for spiritual & personal growth. I learned when my sister died that I was allowed to feel my emotions. They are YOURS! You are allowed to navigate grief, accomplishments, relationships, boundaries, and goals all on your own….because they are yours. As adults who are ever-evolving, we seek growth. Sometimes not knowing the process of growth. Growth is hard. (Ever met people who are doing the same thing since High School?! If growth was easy, you wouldn’t be referencing those people in your head right now!) 2020 taught me many, many things. I have never in my life lost so many relationships. I set out beginning 2020 like so many other people. Setting goals, writing them down, while beginning to implement courses of actions to lead me to self-fulfilling gratification. 2020 also reintroduced me to grief. Grief is like a giant dark thief of the night. No one wants to talk about it until you have experienced it yourself. Grief is part of growth. Grief of these lost relationships, past cycles, past routines, past memories, and sometimes….Grief of losing parts of yourself.

When you lose parts of yourself, it isn’t always immediately apparent. Have you ever met a busy-body? Someone who is a “tinker,” someone who constantly has to be doing things, constantly working, constantly avoiding their primary responsibilities? The inability to sit a while with yourself is a defense mechanism to avoiding just that, sitting with yourself. Avoiding self-reflection, avoiding sitting with your silence, when it isn’t silent.

As a single, working Mom….I will NEVER forget the day in March 2020 I got the call that school systems would be closing face-to-face interaction. I was driving home and had to pull over to calm my breathing, AKA…that phone call made me hyperventilate because part of my village was being taken from my family. Little did we know at the time, that one full year later, we would still be tackling this beast! Insert real, raw, transparent daily life along the way…..HOLY COW!!! Who would’ve thought being with YOUR own children 24/7 with very little village support would weigh so heavy on one person?! Ready for another boomerang….Starting a new career in the midst of it all, struggling to find your new tribe, losing countless relationships to betrayal (and hurt that is all so familiar), moving from a place you loved to accommodate funding a career, only to find yourself staring in the mirror at a person you no longer recognize.

What happened to that determined, strong, relentless Women who has always had SO much drive & ambition? Where did that strength go? Why did the motivation to fight the good ole fight not seem as prevailing? What happened to that confidence that radiated from the core of her soul when she walked into a room?

The Universe has a funny way of breaking you down. Stripping away all the comfortable parts of yourself that you THOUGHT were vital, to rebuild you into someone that you will not recognize overnight. We shall call it, The Art of Unbecoming. You see…a Chinese bamboo tree takes FIVE YEARS to grow. It has to be watered and fertilized in the ground where it has been planted every day. After five years, once it breaks through the ground, it will grow 90 feet tall in five weeks! Breaking away from ugly parts of yourself to grow is part of the process. Strip away the comfort, plant yourself, water and fertilize yourself. Throwing self-doubt out the window and learning that faith the size of a mustard seed will grow into worth you’ve never possessed. That feeling of betray or heartache from lost relationships, was part of shedding skin that you wouldn’t benefit from wearing in the next season. That feeling of loneliness and being tired of doing things all on your own, is preparing you to value a team and partner of value. That grief you are experiencing that comes in waves will evolve through the steps leading you to a new person. Those tears you’ve cried from loss or hurt are watering and nurturing what is really meant for you. That dream you’ve always had, that ambition and drive that you’ve known for so long, the lion/lioness within yourself….IT’S ALL STILL THERE!!! Feel those emotions, let them flip your soul upside down, shake you to your core, & RISE! Five years…Five years for bamboo to grow, but once its broken ground…90 feet in just five short weeks!!

For the person reading this that is struggling in any aspect of your life. You are worthy! You are loved! You are a Strong, Confident person. You may have lost your “spark” in this moment, but it isn’t forgotten. It’s there, it has rooted itself and will rise to overcome like a Chinese bamboo. Feel that pain. It is yours. Feel that heartache. It is yours. Go through that grief. It is yours. Feel that loneliness. It is yours. What you can’t do…Is stay there!!! If you ever lose your spark, it is temporary. You will find your new self. Hope, such a small word with an enormous, powerful meaning. I hope this reaches you just when it needs to. And if you can’t find a flare gun, you can borrow mine!

XoXo,

The Hot Mess Express Single-Mom. Surviving one day at a time! Three fingers.