Tag: parenting

Could I Borrow Your Flare Gun?

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If you are reading this, Congratulations! You have successfully escaped 2020 alive & well. So many lives were lost in 2020, so much division, so much of our American Constitution, which our Country was founded on, has been trampled on, ripped apart & despaired. Religion and politics have paved the way for further division. Unemployment rates are on the constant rise, mental health issues contributed to 8 in 10 people reporting issues with anxiety and/or depression. We haven’t even touched the topic of mental health in our youth! Because let’s face it, they are the REAL MVP’s throughout this pandemic. According to “Mental Health America,” adolescent depression accounts at an astounding 12.4% . (Our grandparents school war stories have nothing on what our children have wrestled with this past year!!) Let’s face it, since we were introduced to five UGLY letters (COVID) that would forever change our lives, it has been a complete SHIT.SHOW!! If you have followed my blog or read with me before, you know my life isn’t fairytales and sunflowers, (nor do I try to make it seem that way). Rather, rose bed thorns and sand spur fields. Which brings me to the primary purpose of bringing you here…

Does anyone own a flare gun?! I’ve lost my spark and could use a reignite.

As a female, we are emotional creatures (SURPRISE, SURPRISE). I am a person of reflection. I love deeply & I feel deeply. If something doesn’t sit well within my soul, I try to analyze my feelings to understand what exactly I am feeling, why, and how to overcome the emotion for spiritual & personal growth. I learned when my sister died that I was allowed to feel my emotions. They are YOURS! You are allowed to navigate grief, accomplishments, relationships, boundaries, and goals all on your own….because they are yours. As adults who are ever-evolving, we seek growth. Sometimes not knowing the process of growth. Growth is hard. (Ever met people who are doing the same thing since High School?! If growth was easy, you wouldn’t be referencing those people in your head right now!) 2020 taught me many, many things. I have never in my life lost so many relationships. I set out beginning 2020 like so many other people. Setting goals, writing them down, while beginning to implement courses of actions to lead me to self-fulfilling gratification. 2020 also reintroduced me to grief. Grief is like a giant dark thief of the night. No one wants to talk about it until you have experienced it yourself. Grief is part of growth. Grief of these lost relationships, past cycles, past routines, past memories, and sometimes….Grief of losing parts of yourself.

When you lose parts of yourself, it isn’t always immediately apparent. Have you ever met a busy-body? Someone who is a “tinker,” someone who constantly has to be doing things, constantly working, constantly avoiding their primary responsibilities? The inability to sit a while with yourself is a defense mechanism to avoiding just that, sitting with yourself. Avoiding self-reflection, avoiding sitting with your silence, when it isn’t silent.

As a single, working Mom….I will NEVER forget the day in March 2020 I got the call that school systems would be closing face-to-face interaction. I was driving home and had to pull over to calm my breathing, AKA…that phone call made me hyperventilate because part of my village was being taken from my family. Little did we know at the time, that one full year later, we would still be tackling this beast! Insert real, raw, transparent daily life along the way…..HOLY COW!!! Who would’ve thought being with YOUR own children 24/7 with very little village support would weigh so heavy on one person?! Ready for another boomerang….Starting a new career in the midst of it all, struggling to find your new tribe, losing countless relationships to betrayal (and hurt that is all so familiar), moving from a place you loved to accommodate funding a career, only to find yourself staring in the mirror at a person you no longer recognize.

What happened to that determined, strong, relentless Women who has always had SO much drive & ambition? Where did that strength go? Why did the motivation to fight the good ole fight not seem as prevailing? What happened to that confidence that radiated from the core of her soul when she walked into a room?

SHE NEVER LEFT!

The Universe has a funny way of breaking you down. Stripping away all the comfortable parts of yourself that you THOUGHT were vital, to rebuild you into someone that you will not recognize overnight. We shall call it, The Art of Unbecoming. You see…a Chinese bamboo tree takes FIVE YEARS to grow. It has to be watered and fertilized in the ground where it has been planted every day. After five years, once it breaks through the ground, it will grow 90 feet tall in five weeks! Breaking away from ugly parts of yourself to grow is part of the process. Strip away the comfort, plant yourself, water and fertilize yourself. Throwing self-doubt out the window and learning that faith the size of a mustard seed will grow into worth you’ve never possessed. That feeling of betray or heartache from lost relationships, was part of shedding skin that you wouldn’t benefit from wearing in the next season. That feeling of loneliness and being tired of doing things all on your own, is preparing you to value a team and partner of value. That grief you are experiencing that comes in waves will evolve through the steps leading you to a new person. Those tears you’ve cried from loss or hurt are watering and nurturing what is really meant for you. That dream you’ve always had, that ambition and drive that you’ve known for so long, the lion/lioness within yourself….IT’S ALL STILL THERE!!! Feel those emotions, let them flip your soul upside down, shake you to your core, & RISE! Five years…Five years for bamboo to grow, but once its broken ground…90 feet in just five short weeks!!

For the person reading this that is struggling in any aspect of your life. You are worthy! You are loved! You are a Strong, Confident person. You may have lost your “spark” in this moment, but it isn’t forgotten. It’s there, it has rooted itself and will rise to overcome like a Chinese bamboo. Feel that pain. It is yours. Feel that heartache. It is yours. Go through that grief. It is yours. Feel that loneliness. It is yours. What you can’t do…Is stay there!!! If you ever lose your spark, it is temporary. You will find your new self. Hope, such a small word with an enormous, powerful meaning. I hope this reaches you just when it needs to. And if you can’t find a flare gun, you can borrow mine!

XoXo,

The Hot Mess Express Single-Mom. Surviving one day at a time! Three fingers.

Could I Borrow Your Flare Gun?

Posted on Posted in growth, Healing, UncategorizedTagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

If you are reading this, Congratulations! You have successfully escaped 2020 alive & well. So many lives were lost in 2020, so much division, so much of our American Constitution, which our Country was founded on, has been trampled on, ripped apart & despaired. Religion and politics have paved the way for further division. Unemployment rates are on the constant rise, mental health issues contributed to 8 in 10 people reporting issues with anxiety and/or depression. We haven’t even touched the topic of mental health in our youth! Because let’s face it, they are the REAL MVP’s throughout this pandemic. According to “Mental Health America,” adolescent depression accounts at an astounding 12.4% . (Our grandparents school war stories have nothing on what our children have wrestled with this past year!!) Let’s face it, since we were introduced to five UGLY letters (COVID) that would forever change our lives, it has been a complete SHIT.SHOW!! If you have followed my blog or read with me before, you know my life isn’t fairytales and sunflowers, (nor do I try to make it seem that way). Rather, rose bed thorns and sand spur fields. Which brings me to the primary purpose of bringing you here…

Does anyone own a flare gun?! I’ve lost my spark and could use a reignite.

As a female, we are emotional creatures (SURPRISE, SURPRISE). I am a person of reflection. I love deeply & I feel deeply. If something doesn’t sit well within my soul, I try to analyze my feelings to understand what exactly I am feeling, why, and how to overcome the emotion for spiritual & personal growth. I learned when my sister died that I was allowed to feel my emotions. They are YOURS! You are allowed to navigate grief, accomplishments, relationships, boundaries, and goals all on your own….because they are yours. As adults who are ever-evolving, we seek growth. Sometimes not knowing the process of growth. Growth is hard. (Ever met people who are doing the same thing since High School?! If growth was easy, you wouldn’t be referencing those people in your head right now!) 2020 taught me many, many things. I have never in my life lost so many relationships. I set out beginning 2020 like so many other people. Setting goals, writing them down, while beginning to implement courses of actions to lead me to self-fulfilling gratification. 2020 also reintroduced me to grief. Grief is like a giant dark thief of the night. No one wants to talk about it until you have experienced it yourself. Grief is part of growth. Grief of these lost relationships, past cycles, past routines, past memories, and sometimes….Grief of losing parts of yourself.

When you lose parts of yourself, it isn’t always immediately apparent. Have you ever met a busy-body? Someone who is a “tinker,” someone who constantly has to be doing things, constantly working, constantly avoiding their primary responsibilities? The inability to sit a while with yourself is a defense mechanism to avoiding just that, sitting with yourself. Avoiding self-reflection, avoiding sitting with your silence, when it isn’t silent.

As a single, working Mom….I will NEVER forget the day in March 2020 I got the call that school systems would be closing face-to-face interaction. I was driving home and had to pull over to calm my breathing, AKA…that phone call made me hyperventilate because part of my village was being taken from my family. Little did we know at the time, that one full year later, we would still be tackling this beast! Insert real, raw, transparent daily life along the way…..HOLY COW!!! Who would’ve thought being with YOUR own children 24/7 with very little village support would weigh so heavy on one person?! Ready for another boomerang….Starting a new career in the midst of it all, struggling to find your new tribe, losing countless relationships to betrayal (and hurt that is all so familiar), moving from a place you loved to accommodate funding a career, only to find yourself staring in the mirror at a person you no longer recognize.

What happened to that determined, strong, relentless Women who has always had SO much drive & ambition? Where did that strength go? Why did the motivation to fight the good ole fight not seem as prevailing? What happened to that confidence that radiated from the core of her soul when she walked into a room?

SHE NEVER LEFT!

The Universe has a funny way of breaking you down. Stripping away all the comfortable parts of yourself that you THOUGHT were vital, to rebuild you into someone that you will not recognize overnight. We shall call it, The Art of Unbecoming. You see…a Chinese bamboo tree takes FIVE YEARS to grow. It has to be watered and fertilized in the ground where it has been planted every day. After five years, once it breaks through the ground, it will grow 90 feet tall in five weeks! Breaking away from ugly parts of yourself to grow is part of the process. Strip away the comfort, plant yourself, water and fertilize yourself. Throwing self-doubt out the window and learning that faith the size of a mustard seed will grow into worth you’ve never possessed. That feeling of betray or heartache from lost relationships, was part of shedding skin that you wouldn’t benefit from wearing in the next season. That feeling of loneliness and being tired of doing things all on your own, is preparing you to value a team and partner of value. That grief you are experiencing that comes in waves will evolve through the steps leading you to a new person. Those tears you’ve cried from loss or hurt are watering and nurturing what is really meant for you. That dream you’ve always had, that ambition and drive that you’ve known for so long, the lion/lioness within yourself….IT’S ALL STILL THERE!!! Feel those emotions, let them flip your soul upside down, shake you to your core, & RISE! Five years…Five years for bamboo to grow, but once its broken ground…90 feet in just five short weeks!!

For the person reading this that is struggling in any aspect of your life. You are worthy! You are loved! You are a Strong, Confident person. You may have lost your “spark” in this moment, but it isn’t forgotten. It’s there, it has rooted itself and will rise to overcome like a Chinese bamboo. Feel that pain. It is yours. Feel that heartache. It is yours. Go through that grief. It is yours. Feel that loneliness. It is yours. What you can’t do…Is stay there!!! If you ever lose your spark, it is temporary. You will find your new self. Hope, such a small word with an enormous, powerful meaning. I hope this reaches you just when it needs to. And if you can’t find a flare gun, you can borrow mine!

XoXo,

The Hot Mess Express Single-Mom. Surviving one day at a time! Three fingers.

Pain: Self-Inflicted or Inflicted?

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Imagine this, you’re walking through your home barefoot, that chair you think isn’t so far away is closer than it seems. You stump your toe. OUCH! Immediately you get ANGRY, say a few colorful words and sit there until the pain is gone. Right? We’ve all experienced this pain multiple times. If you’re anything like me, its more frequent than the latter. Equilibrium is not my friend most days. Now use this same analogy and let’s take it a little deeper.

We must embrace pain and burn it as our fuel for our journey.

-Kenji Miyazawa

I used to think for the largest part of my adulthood my childhood sucked. Apparently I’ve lived in a bubble thus far because after talking with other people, my childhood wasn’t too terrible. I used to think about relationships I have experienced or didn’t get the chance of experiencing and get ANGRY. When these people would come into my life, anger would suffice. It didn’t dawn on me until I got older, the childhood experiences we encounter are NOT YOUR DEFINING MOMENTS! Those 16-18 years you room with your parents and siblings does not have to determine how your adult relationships will flow. Those years do not determine if you will or will not succeed. Those years do not determine the type of spouse you will choose for yourself or your children. If those years were not a positive experience, this does not give you the right to hurt other people because “that’s how you were raised.” You have a few choices. 1. You either let those moments DEFINE you and decide to change and do better, knowing better. 2. You let those moments CRIPPLE you and become a product of your environment. 3. You were given such an amazing childhood experience and have no healing to go through. If this is the case, I applaud your parents for hiding things so well!!!

I mentioned as an adult I would still get angry when people who hurt me came around. I walked around with a chip on my shoulder around them because “how dare they hurt me and get away with it?” The thing is, when people are angry, they are hurting. This anger is projected on sometimes everyone around them with a mentality of “I’m hurt, I want you to feel what I feel.” AHH! (RUN) So this is where a fine line of art and science come in. If someone hurts you, FORGIVE THEM! Even if you aren’t forgiving them for them, forgive them for yourself. I remember one whole year of my life I was SO hurt from many different relationships. It was a weight. A heavy one. I didn’t know how to process these feelings, so everyday I told myself to release the hurt. To forgive. Not for them, but for me. This is the pivotal moment you have to ask, is this pain self-inflicted or inflicted? That person isn’t feeling your pain and you aren’t feeling theirs. I’ve always heard “love knows no boundaries.” Love does know boundaries. Love is the foundation of boundaries.

I try to teach my children about emotions. Wylin’ Wyatt has SO many emotions that change on a dime. His most common expressions are crying, whining, or telling me he isn’t playing with me anymore. This last exactly 1.4 minutes. My oldest son, Tristan bottles emotions up. He’s a tough shell, hard to read, doesn’t talk about what hurts him. I tell my children when they are hurt….FEEL THE PAIN. Allow yourself to feel it. Let it run through your veins like a waterfall. Do not let that pain overcome you. Embrace it, and let it go.

I’m no philosopher. I’m FAR FROM PERFECT. We’ve established I SUCK at choosing the right partner, however, I’m a human who loves love. A healthy love. Love that awakens your soul and makes you shine from within. Love that makes you become the best version of yourself. Some relationships are far from being reprimandable. Practice the art of forgiveness, not for them, but for you! If all else fails, drink your way through the holidays and fake it until you make it!

Sincerely,

An overly optimistic girl who forgives more than she should, from knowing deep pain that didn’t harden me.

    Single Momming So Hard

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    We often hear about this thing called “work-life” balance. If you’re anything like me, Google is one of your best friends. According to Google, this Unicorn term is described as “Areas of life other then work-life can include personal interests, family and social or leisure activities.” So basically, you are supposed to balance living, maintaining social relationships, work, cleaning a home, feeding small children, exercise, mediate, and do fun things! Whew! WHO THE F ACTUALLY HAS TIME FOR ALL OF THIS?! If you’re anything like me, you struggle. I mean not just I burnt the toast struggle, but STRAIGHT STRUGGLE. Some days, I have to set an alarm to pick my kids up from school. Most days I roll out of bed 10 minutes before it’s time to leave the house. In fact, I’m currently sandwiched between two small beings writing this. So let me take the time to introduce myself!

    My name is Anna. I have been a single mom since the ripe age of 20! Twelve years later, I have two boys and what do you know…STILL A SINGLE MOM! Apparently I didn’t get it right the first time so I decided the second time is a charm. WRONG! As if I didn’t get a full dose with the first, the second comes out like a banshee ready for war since day one. If you have multiple children I’m sure you have heard of the “second child syndrome.” I am here to inform you, this is NOT a myth. My first child was my saving grace, still is. He is a helper, emphatic, in tune with my emotions, quiet when needed, and truly my buddy. Could not do life without him. Fast-forward 8 years and the shit show starts. The second one was born a freaking viking, chiming in conversations before he could even talk, gets disgruntled when he lacks attention and is NEVER quiet. His name is such an oxymoron with quiet….Wyatt. So after both children I learned a few things. 1. I am in fact 100% done having children. 2. My taste in men SUCK. Like I will be a cat lady before I settle for another narcissistic man. 3. I am tired ALL the time. 4. Without those men and those children, I wouldn’t know strength.

    So this work-life balance Unicorn word. Where is it? How do you get there? Where is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? When my youngest child, (you’ll often hear me refer to him as Wylin’ Wyatt) was six weeks old, I decided to go back to school. It was my 500th time trying, but I was determined to succeed. My life went from shenanigans to a complete shit show. I had a major meltdown in my friends yard one night after I felt “worthless” with two small children and no stability. I sobbed to her how I had wasted 28 years of my life. I was at rock bottom. Like an ostrich, I stuck my head in the sand and started working. Four and a half years later, one Associate degree under my belt, three weeks from obtaining a Bachelors, I understand it isn’t the hand you were dealt. It’s how you play those cards. People often ask me “how do you do it?” The truth is. I.DON’T.KNOW. What I do know is, you don’t ask how you’ll do it. You just do it! I forget my children at school, I feed them dry cereal for dinner, I don’t have much of a social life (its okay because I don’t like people), I cuss, I lock myself OUT of my house to get a breather. I have given each of my children fancy iPads to babysit them so I could study or write. I have been judged for not doing more with them. I feed my children McDonalds chicken nuggets that I’m sure are 120% artificial chicken (with LOTS OF GMOS).

    Let’s face it. LIFE’S HARD. My decisions in MEN SUCK. SINGLE MOMMING IS INTENSE. But, at the end of the day….We’re happy, we’re a unit, we’re Ohana. So if you’re a single mom and you feel like you’re failing…pat yourself on the back girlfriend! We are all doing great at feeling like we suck.

    To the single mom, to the mom expecting, the want-to-be moms who can’t conceive, the divorced mom, the mom on food stamps, the widowed mom, the separated mom, the married mom, the mom with too many children, the mom with good children and the mom with bad children. Give yourself a break. Cut yourself some slack. Don’t worry about HOW you will do it. Because TRUST ME, YOU WILL DO IT! Work-life balance is a Unicorn, but YOU sister are wearing the horn!