Tag: family

Grits or Eggs?

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Remember as a kid how fun it was to stand with your arms out twirling in a circle as fast as you could? The world swirled by as you accelerated in speed. The rush kicked in, adrenaline rose and WHOA, WHAT A HIGH!! Then you attempted to walk in a straight line, only to wobble over off-balance without equilibrium. That same feeling we have all felt in our childhood innocence is exactly how I would describe adulthood today. Without the same “WHOA!”

Life for me has NEVER been simple. There has been a “rulebook” & then a book that applies to how my game will be played differently. It has never been Godspeed, rather “Girl, we are about to make you put in a LOT of work.” If I would describe life up to this point I would compare it to climbing a volcano mountain with balls of heated lava coming consistently to test my balance and strength. After so many heated balls of lava, you begin to question if it is even worth climbing that mountain. You begin to question what you were thinking even embarking on such a venture. You begin to question your strength. Your well of endurance begins to run low and tries to dry out. You get weak & that same adrenaline kicks in which makes your world swirl by faster the more you accelerate your speed. I remember asking my Dad one day WHY was nothing in my life simple….WHY was everything so tough, mentally & physically? WHY did I constantly have to put out fires every direction I turned?

His reply was simple, “Because you weren’t built that way.”

In trying times I always try to remember….You were built FOR SO MUCH MORE. Those few simple words my Dad said to me resonated with such a large unambigutious meaning. When you have put in YEARS of work and still aren’t feelings the wrath of the hard work, IT’S COMING. Lay the bricks daily and form the foundation. The walls will come later. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to scream. It’s okay to feel like you’re failing…as long as you are TRYING.

To the person who is tired and unsure of themself. To the person who has put in years of hard work & isn’t quite seeing the immediate results you wish to see. To the person playing both roles in the household. To the person grinding daily, just waiting for their “break.” To the person who feels like giving up isn’t an option, but it’s a nice brief thought. To the person just beginning their journey. To the person who hasn’t found the strength to start their journey. I have one word for you.

CRY THOSE TEARS, GET SOME REST, & FIND YOUR GRIT!!! Take your reins and show that bull who’s boss. If life were easy, then life wouldn’t amount to much. Ever noticed how easily some people become “simpletons?” Want to know why? Because it takes 0 effort to become comfortable in a life that requires little effort to float through. If you’re anything like me, that idea of life doesn’t resonate easily. Don’t become complacent. Become SO UNCOMPLACENT until you are able to reach back and lend a helping hand to the next.

In the words of my precious Daddy…“YOU WEREN’T BUILT THAT WAY!” Don’t confuse frustration and discouragement for failure. Keep going friend, gain those reins and find that GRIT that distinguishes YOU from the REST!

XoXo,

One Tired Determined Single Momma.

Versions.

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I have always heard pay close attention to the people who don’t clap for you when you win. It’s a harsh reality that sucks to realize who’s not clapping. It’s an even worse realization when it’s the people who you want more than anything to clap for you.

As an adult, anxiety is a real life thing. Like who the hell does not have functional anxiety?!! Life pressures, responsibilities, children, work, trying to balance it all….IS HARD! Here comes the holidays and BOOM!!! HELLO FANCY ANXIETY! Dressed up so beautifully and presentable to help you get through the holidays. Let’s face it….Some families are (picture) perfect! Beautifully pictured, put together so nicely, and should be sitting with Joanna Gaines. Some families relate more with The Addams Family! Other families dread this time of the year because it’s like a full moon+mental institution released all the crazies into the night=A COMPLETE SHIT SHOW!

I’ve had the recent experience of learning why it is OKAY to say NO, after many years of experiencing complete exhaustion after the holidays. Family has the ability to drain you, unrealistic expectations arise, and if there was any problems throughout the year with each other…NOW IS THE TIME THEY ARE GOING TO COME UP!

I realized a few years ago after Holidays, I was utterly drained leaving events. I enjoyed spending time with family but like any other family, I DO NOT care to be disccected and explain who I am to one soul. I mention many times how 30 was a pivotal moment in my life for many reasons. What I have failed to mention is exactly why this age was such a huge moment in life for me. I lost my oldest, kindest sister at 30. She was just 10-years older than I and was MY SWEETHEART! With the great loss, came greater feelings. Feelings that I was no longer the “little” girl to my living siblings, feelings that I would no longer allow anyone to push me around, no longer allow people to tell me what I should or should not feel. No longer allow people to make me feel any less of a person because of my personal preferences and choices in life. The loss of my sister allowed me to gain confidence to say NO!

Fast-forward to present day. Okay, we’ve made it to the end of November. No major altercations with family all year, small chit-chat here and there, and I’m ready to host Thanksgiving for my small tribe at home. Sounds simple, right? It should have been. After many days of a family member asking me to cancel my plans for their personal preference, I said “No, that isn’t what I want to do.” Here comes the question no one really wants to hear the answer to…”Why don’t you want to come?” HELLO HONESTY! I do not choose to sit at a table where I have felt judgment for so many years.

As adults, if you ask questions you may or may not want to know the answer to….You have the choice to agree to disagree and move on. You have the right to not focus your time or energy in places that make you feel uneasy inside. That Fancy Anxiety! Sometimes, for some or most people, holidays are hard. They are days you wish you could sleep through, fast-forward, put on a “fake it until you make it” smile, and just get it over with already days. If someone does not want to sit at your table…RESPECT THEIR WISHES! After this conversation I had with this particular family member, I reflected on it and thought of the multitude of things that went wrong or should have been avoided. Things were said that were said in judgement of who I was over 8 years ago! EEEKKKK!!! Seriously, that was like 5 versions of me ago! So not only does this person not recognize who I am as a person today, this person sees me for past failures instead of what it took to rise above that situation. JUDGEMENT! You see, you have to be careful what you say when your heart is hard, because your tongue will lead with haste. You can’t recover a stone once it has been thrown. You will regret saying nasty words to someone a lot longer than you will remember that empty chair at your dinner table.

AS ADULTS YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO FEEL EVERY. SINGLE. FN. EMOTION YOU FEEL. YOU ARE ENTITLED TO YOUR FEELINGS. YOU ARE ENTITLED TO PROTECT YOUR ENERGY AND PRESERVE YOUR INNER PEACE. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY NO! YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE AROUND PEOPLE WHO PASS JUDGEMENT JUST BECAUSE YOU SHARE COMMON DNA! YOU ARE ENTITLED TO BE PROUD OF WHO YOU ARE AS AN ADULT AND WHO YOU HAVE OUTGROWN. NOT EVERYONE DESERVES THE NEW VERSION OF YOU.

Before a butterfly becomes, it is a caterpillar. Slow, not the prettiest, prickly, rough around the edges. It goes into its cocoon and emerges with beauty, with grace, limitless, ready to take flight. The branch that allowed this butterfly to cocoon isn’t the enemy, rather a staple to the growth of the beauty emerged. Growth and family are the same. Just because a family member needed you more when they were vulnerable, does not mean you can treat them the same way when they have grown their wings. It’s a new version of them. Shift your perspective to embrace the new. For each of you. If you continually remind a person who they were years before, you are hindering relationships. RESPECT OTHER PEOPLE TO AGREE TO DISAGREE!

Who are we to judge people for who they were? Who are we to judge people for who they are not? Life is simple. BE KIND! If you don’t agree with someone, AGREE TO DISAGREE. If someone tells you they want to stay home for the holidays, RESPECT THEIR WISHES! If you do not care for how someone is raising their child, WORRY ABOUT RAISING YOUR OWN! If you are worried about how the “Jones” are financing anything, WORRY ABOUT YO’SELF! Moral of this post. No one lives in a glass house, and if you do a bird could shit and burst your windows!

DO NOT GO AROUND TRYING TO STEAL PEOPLE’S JOY! If you do, there are probably many ugly elements within yourself that are stealing your own joy.

Feel the pain, embrace the pain, release the pain. Stop being an ugly bitch! No one likes ugly bitches!

Sincerely,

Someone who loves you, but loves and respects me more.

Pain: Self-Inflicted or Inflicted?

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Imagine this, you’re walking through your home barefoot, that chair you think isn’t so far away is closer than it seems. You stump your toe. OUCH! Immediately you get ANGRY, say a few colorful words and sit there until the pain is gone. Right? We’ve all experienced this pain multiple times. If you’re anything like me, its more frequent than the latter. Equilibrium is not my friend most days. Now use this same analogy and let’s take it a little deeper.

We must embrace pain and burn it as our fuel for our journey.

-Kenji Miyazawa

I used to think for the largest part of my adulthood my childhood sucked. Apparently I’ve lived in a bubble thus far because after talking with other people, my childhood wasn’t too terrible. I used to think about relationships I have experienced or didn’t get the chance of experiencing and get ANGRY. When these people would come into my life, anger would suffice. It didn’t dawn on me until I got older, the childhood experiences we encounter are NOT YOUR DEFINING MOMENTS! Those 16-18 years you room with your parents and siblings does not have to determine how your adult relationships will flow. Those years do not determine if you will or will not succeed. Those years do not determine the type of spouse you will choose for yourself or your children. If those years were not a positive experience, this does not give you the right to hurt other people because “that’s how you were raised.” You have a few choices. 1. You either let those moments DEFINE you and decide to change and do better, knowing better. 2. You let those moments CRIPPLE you and become a product of your environment. 3. You were given such an amazing childhood experience and have no healing to go through. If this is the case, I applaud your parents for hiding things so well!!!

I mentioned as an adult I would still get angry when people who hurt me came around. I walked around with a chip on my shoulder around them because “how dare they hurt me and get away with it?” The thing is, when people are angry, they are hurting. This anger is projected on sometimes everyone around them with a mentality of “I’m hurt, I want you to feel what I feel.” AHH! (RUN) So this is where a fine line of art and science come in. If someone hurts you, FORGIVE THEM! Even if you aren’t forgiving them for them, forgive them for yourself. I remember one whole year of my life I was SO hurt from many different relationships. It was a weight. A heavy one. I didn’t know how to process these feelings, so everyday I told myself to release the hurt. To forgive. Not for them, but for me. This is the pivotal moment you have to ask, is this pain self-inflicted or inflicted? That person isn’t feeling your pain and you aren’t feeling theirs. I’ve always heard “love knows no boundaries.” Love does know boundaries. Love is the foundation of boundaries.

I try to teach my children about emotions. Wylin’ Wyatt has SO many emotions that change on a dime. His most common expressions are crying, whining, or telling me he isn’t playing with me anymore. This last exactly 1.4 minutes. My oldest son, Tristan bottles emotions up. He’s a tough shell, hard to read, doesn’t talk about what hurts him. I tell my children when they are hurt….FEEL THE PAIN. Allow yourself to feel it. Let it run through your veins like a waterfall. Do not let that pain overcome you. Embrace it, and let it go.

I’m no philosopher. I’m FAR FROM PERFECT. We’ve established I SUCK at choosing the right partner, however, I’m a human who loves love. A healthy love. Love that awakens your soul and makes you shine from within. Love that makes you become the best version of yourself. Some relationships are far from being reprimandable. Practice the art of forgiveness, not for them, but for you! If all else fails, drink your way through the holidays and fake it until you make it!

Sincerely,

An overly optimistic girl who forgives more than she should, from knowing deep pain that didn’t harden me.